hazing

i found out about it
later.

about how
they were supposed to
record everything.

they listened to it
anyway.

they listened to
his date with me.

crowded around the recorder
they listened
as i broke down.

they listened to me cry
when he tried to kiss me.

they listened to me
make tearful apologies.

they listened to me
try to explain
what had happened
that i had been raped
a few months before.

they listened to me
chokingly mutter
that i was sorry.
for thinking i was ready to date
for ruining his night.

i found out later
that some of them laughed
as they listened to me.
as they listened
to our date.

at the end of which
he was supposed to have sex
with me
and surreptitiously record it
for them all to enjoy.
a task they had all been given
a way to prove their worthiness
of brotherhood.

still
they listened.
crowded around the recorder
in the basement
of the fraternity house.

they listened to me
and they did not get up.

they did not run from the room.
they did not say turn it off.
they did not scream out
i can't listen to this
i can't bear to listen to this.

they listened to me
and they did not cry.

they did not grab the recorder
and smash it against the wall.
they did not pound their strong fists on the floor.
they did not scream out
what is happening to us
what have we become.

i found out later
that some of them apologized
to him for me
for what an awful date i was.

but none of them ever apologized to me
even though
it's true
they saw me
every day.

Used with permission
From the "mary was here" collection of poems